I recently attended a beautiful wedding. It was an honor to be part of, and a true joy to celebrate the union of two very special people, and their families. The night before, a group of us men, friends and groomsmen, met around a campfire. We shared stories, and razed the groom to be. It was very memorable. As the night came to a close, we laid hands on our brother and offered prayers and commissions before God, that he would be a good husband and lead his wife well. Specifically, we prayed that he would saturate his marriage with the gospel, and rely on the grace and mercy of Christ Jesus in the moments of marital bliss, and suffering.

Too often we do not acknowledge the reality of suffering in Marriage. As a culture, we have embraced the happily ever after fairy tale. We do not like to get into the difficult realities of “two becoming one” and for that matter, the work it takes to remain “together as one”. Fights, disagreements, arguments and differences. Every relationship has conflicts, including marriage.

The need for forgiveness in a relationship is not shameful, but rather a beautiful place for grace and mercy to flourish.

In the story of us, Moses was led to describe the first conflict. In Genesis 3 we read about how Eve was deceived by the serpent to eat of the forbidden fruit. Adam, who was idly standing by, also takes some. Instantly, they are shamed and hide. Once confronted by God, driven by shame, Adam blames Eve and Eve blames the Serpent. God, being just, executes judgement on their sin, but immediately makes a way for forgiveness, and offers His grace and mercy, by providing them coverings and protecting them from further temptation (and falling into an everlasting curse).

God creates the pattern for all eternity. After conflict, there needs to be restoration through forgiveness. Through Christ forgiveness is fully realized, in response the Christian offers forgiveness to everyone, for every offense.

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

Mark 11:25 ESV

However, it is important to realize forgiveness is a vertical action, not horizontal. The word translated here means “to let go” or “release”. Essentially, this act of forgiveness is about letting go of the desire to see the other party punished. Does this mean God won’t still punish them? No. God is just, and will act according to His will and purposes. What is does mean is that the forgiver will no longer hold unto the anger and resentment which feeds their self-righteous fire to see someone else punished for their sins (yet, not for their own). We must always remember, each of us have a vast capacity to sin, and hurt someone else. We have all hurt and sinned against more people than we would ever like to admit. When we forgive, we are “vertically” declaring to God that we are not going to harbor anger in our hearts.

Horizontally, relationships need reconciliation and forgiveness provides the opportunity for marital reconciliation as we “let go”. God has created us with multidimensional layers; as embodied souls we have mental, emotional, relational and spiritual capacities. Our marriages reflect these same capacities. For a marriage to be God glorifying and flourishing, both individuals must have right thinking towards each other and about their marriage. This right thinking allows us to be slow to anger and quick to listen. Emotionally, marriages should be defined by the pursuit of mutual love, peace and kindness. This sacred union should be built on relational selflessness that strives to always put the others needs first, focusing on the unity and oneness of the marriage. Lastly, the spiritual capacity (or vibrancy) of a marriage should be fueled by the Holy Spirits work, through the abiding in Him by word and prayer.

Restoration in these areas for individuals, and as a married union, is possible.

As a cognitive based process, involving the “mind in an act of the will” marital forgiveness involves the inward/outward, unspoken/verbalized, decision to forgive. Its in response to Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” The world may tell you its O.K. to be angry when someone doesn’t meet your expectation or goes against you. That it is O.K. to withhold forgiveness. But Scripture does not confirm this. When we have a “clear” mind, we can begin to see how forgiveness and reconciliation not only are required to set our marital course but how withholding these things only cause us to have more of a corrupted mind, and be more lost.

Simple put, right thinking leads to right loving.

As an emotional based process, forgiveness involves ones internal feelings towards themsleves, others, as well as Christ. In light of this it is no surprise that Christ aspires for us to not only forgive in word or action, but from the heart. Matthew 18:35 states, “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” In a brief theology of “the heart” we could quickly realize this emotional center is the beginning of all outward action, at least as God is concerned. In Matthew chapter 5 we read about how murder and adultery are both first committed in the heart, out of contempt of lust. We must recognize that forgiveness, which is made tangible by the flesh, should be subservient result of forgiveness from the heart.

Simply put, whats inside goes outside.

Logically, then if right (God glorifying) thinking and feeling is present within the individual and possible within the marriage, then the relationship can be restored and flourish as God designed. Prayer should be restored along with a commitment to shared and personal abiding in scripture.

A sign of a healthy marriage should be a return of spiritual vitality and vibrancy.

This is not always the case. Many times one of the individuals in the relationship has had bad experiences and poor relationships. Even with the right thinking and feeling on forgiveness and towards the other person, they may still resist, and you will need to slow down to address the surrounding and under girding relational issues. Sometimes a rightfully trained pastor, lay leader or friend maybe necessary illuminate and work through relational issues in accordance with the truth of Scripture.

Nouthetic counselors set our aim on preparing room for forgiveness through empathy and proper realignment of the heart to God and others, assessing fears, and then focusing on practical and tangible ways to put emotion to action, though sacrificial service.

Colossians 3:13 states “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” When we have a difficult time forgiving someone, we remind each other that we are forgiven SO way can forgive one another. From the right perspective it’s an honor to be able to loosen chains of unforgiveness in our own hearts, and offer freedom to others as we too have experienced it.

However, many times, especially when the offense is grievous, we find great difficulty stating the wrongs we suffered, knowing our identity in Christ as forgiven and at that present state we become unable or unwilling to offer a sincere sentiment of forgiveness. Again, many times a biblical counselor can help facilitate reconciliation by speaking into a relationship with the awesome grace and unfathomable mercy of Gods love. At times we need others to help us find the path of spiritual and emotional healing in our relationships. There is no shame in needing help.

Often we hold on, we cling to tightly to the things that hurt us, the things that are in the past. It is true that we don’t want to minimize them, but we don’t want to maximize them either! We should rightfully let them go, or they will continue to weigh us down and burden us, causing double, or triple the original offense. It is imperative that we humbly examine our own needs. When we are faced with our inability to forgive or work through reconciliation, especially in our marriages, we need help from an outsider.

If you are having a difficult season, reach out to a properly trained pastor, lay leader or friend who can counsel you and your spouse with “truth and love”.

If you have no one locally, Good&Well is here.